Recognizing Patterns of Behavior in Codependent Roles

Codependency is a psychological construct that underlies a wide variety of close relationships. This includes parent-child, intimate partners, employee-boss, adult and elder parent, spouses, non-intimate domestic partners, and even some unhealthy friendships. In a codependent relationship, there will be a dominant and a submissive. There is debate in the academic community as to whether codependency itself is a form of emotional addiction. The widely accepted view is that codependency in it of itself is an abnormal behavioral pattern, and that another component of codependency, the “need to be needed” can manifest in varying degrees and in some scenarios can take on the severity of addiction. As such codependency is currently treated as an abnormal behavioral pattern that can be effectively treated with therapy and a desire to change.  

Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs. Codependency means you’re dependent on others-often family members or an intimate partner-to make you feel worthwhile. If you play the dominant role in a codependent relationship, this translates to a person who equates love with power and the ability to control. Traits of narcissistic personality disorder are often seen in the codependent dominant. Examples of codependent dominants include a spouse who wields financial leverage over their partner, or a parent who wields financial leverage over children such that the partner or child remains submissive to their provider. 

The codependent dominant will often complain about the excessive demands and financial burdens placed upon them, with the subconscious or conscious intent to make the submissive feel bad and inadequate. The narcissist in this persona desires constant praise and recognition for their efforts and financial contributions. Codependent dominants often play the role of “martyr” and define themselves by what they consider to be selfless sacrifice for others at the expense of their own health and well-being. This causes a significant diminutive effect of the self-esteem of the submissive, and in effect, sets the codependent submissive up for failure. 

While the codependent dominant may constantly complain of the demands placed upon them, they often do not say what they truly mean as the narcissistic portion of the persona requires others to anticipate their needs and desires. Codependent dominants maintain excessively high expectations of their children as they define their own self worth by the behavior and actions of their children, especially in society. If the son of a codependent dominant mother modifies his appearance in a way the mother views as socially provocative, the mother will then feel extreme shame and guilt because she becomes at once overwhelmed with concern at what others would think. She will view the act as an assault to her self-worth and image. 

Codependent dominants subconsciously and emotionally manipulate the relationship such that their submissives will remain dependent upon them, as without the dominant’s role as martyr and their recognition as provider, the codependent dominant would lose all sense of self-worth and identity.  Because helping and sacrificing are socially acceptable, codependent dominants will misappropriate help (usually food or money) and ignore how dysfunctional the relationship is. Often in codependency, the dominant partner exerts financial leverage over the submissive. This could be a controlling parent like the case of Britney Spears and her father. This could also be an ego driven female who values financial success and is overly concerned by social status. If the submissive in this scenario does something to displease the dominant (for example, if the unhappy and unappreciated husband were to be caught cheating on his overbearing wife), the dominant will then use tactics of deprivation to manipulate the submissive into behaving in the way they want them to. Some would say it’s similar to training a dog. Therapy has been found effective for codependent dominants, but the narcissistic portion of the persona often prevents a codependent dominant from admitting they have a problem.

The codependent submissive equates love with over-caring, because this is how they have been conditioned to think and behave by the codependent dominant. The codependent submissive will tend to avoid conflict, a result of prior conditioning by the dominant as well. Experts agree that codependency is rooted in childhood, as children that grow up in codependent homes tend to seek out codependent relationships as adults. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards that which is familiar. That which is unfamiliar often makes us uncomfortable. A codependent submissive will most likely run away from a healthy relationship as an adult due to the unfamiliarity with healthy relationship dynamics. Healthy relationships require that both participants maintain healthy boundaries and address grievances in a timely and healthy manner. Without therapy, a codependent submissive is ill equipped to communicate effectively in a healthy adult relationship. 

Children raised in a codependent home are usually not taught how to identify and properly express their emotions at age appropriate stages of development. They are disciplined and conditioned to maintain a pleasant disposition and to not voice their opinions when something bothers them. As such, codependent submissive children do not learn how to address conflict amicably. In codependent homes, If the submissive tries to address a situation in which they felt uncomfortable and emotionally disturbed, the codependent dominant will often gaslight - in other words, will convince the submissive that their feelings or emotions in relation to the situation in question are an inappropriate reaction to the situation at hand. 

Codependent submissives often grow up feeling very confused about what is an appropriate emotional reaction to a situation and what is not, because in addition to being psychologically manipulated, the codependent submissives are often socially isolated to the extent that they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing their confusing feelings with outsiders, mostly out of guilt or shame as conditioned by their providers. This is another way the codependent dominant maintains power and control over their submissive. As a result, codependent submissives often enter into adult relationships with a certain level of emotional immaturity. 

Codependent parenting affects a child’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship as an adult. Children that grow up as codependent submissives sometimes have a predilection for substance abuse, mostly because they haven’t learned how to properly address their emotions that they have been conditioned to bottle up inside. When codependency was first identified in the literature in the 1970’s, it was a phenomena seen most commonly in association with substance abuse. As little was known about codependency at the time, it was assumed that codependency resulted from substance abuse in a family. Experts today feel this is not the case, and that it is actually the other way around. In codependency, the dysfunctional behavioral patterns come before the codependent submissive turns to drug or alcohol abuse. Therapy and early identification can improve outcomes tremendously. 

The codependent submissive and dominant can switch roles from time to time in the relationship, as demonstrated by the Karpman Drama Triangle. Also, people that grew up without codependency can find themselves involved in toxic relationships as adults, namely when involved in a HIGH CONFLICT DIVORCE. There is calculated psychological warfare at play in the interpersonal dynamics in the setting of a high conflict divorce. At its core, domestic violence is about control and power over another individual. GASLIGHTING and CODEPENDENCY will be present in relationships characterized by significant and frequent conflict. This is the same scenario seen all too often between spouses during a high conflict divorce. This is best exemplified by the related psychological disorder designated Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) that often evolves amidst the dynamics of a high conflict divorce. 

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